Tuesday, November 6, 2012

On Regret

I don't usually engage in regret.

For the most part, i have the view point that at every decision made, i used the skills, strength, and knowledge i had at that point to make whatever decisions i made, and i learned lessons from the wrong decisions, which made me stronger and wiser.

Sometimes, i know i made the wrong decision, even though i knew better.  And those i regret.  But still learn from.

I find, most recently, that my true regrets are often events that take place because of my inability to get off of a chosen path.

Have you ever been walking down a hallway at work and suddenly remember that you're going the wrong way, but instead of stopping dead in your tracks and turning around to go the right way, you just continue on your path and pretend you had something to do when you get to that wrong destination?

I have.

No one is actually watching me, but once i get on that path, it can be really HARD to get off of it.

I once took a job i knew i shouldn't take because i didn't realize it was wrong until i had already given my initial nod to take the offered position.  I hadn't signed anything, but because i had stepped my big toe on that path, i couldn't convince myself to turn back.  And while i'm all for keeping your word, sometimes you need to apologize profusely and change your mind with honor.  I ended up taking the job and working there for an extended period of time, while the Lord demonstrated to me all the reasons why i should have said "no thank you."  I was miserable.  And that experience became one of the big landmarks in my life that remind me to be careful about my decisions and to get God's word on them.

And yet, i get really stuck on a path.

On Saturday, i was on my way home from a family gathering.  It had stormed quite impressively earlier that day, and as i drove, i started to notice some impressive artwork in the sky.

Here is a very literal demonstration of "path" problem.  While i'm getting better, it is a very big struggle for me to make myself stop or take a detour once i am on my decided "path" while driving here or there.

...as i was saying...impressive artwork.....there was actually a vertical rainbow, kind of pink-heavy and very large, right in front of my view, while driving home.  I could easily have pulled over onto one of the wide shoulders of the road on which i was driving and taken a good photo of this once-in-a-lifetime dazzle in the sky, with my impressive smart phone which is with me 24/7.  But instead, i tried to snap a shot while driving.

Here it is.


Embarrassing.  That pink blob is what i was trying to capture.  

And all because i simply wouldn't stop the car for 30 seconds.

The saga continues.

I turned off onto another road and started noticing the development of one incredible sunset to my left.  I was virtually alone on that road, but i convinced myself that the sunset would still be there when i got to my next turn - a road with shoulders.

But it wasn't.  It was long gone in a few short minutes.  And i missed it.

For my whole life, i have experienced God's love for me through His artwork in the sky.  I felt His close presence in the moments when He captures me with moments of awe at His amazing beauty, His love letters to me, written across the heavens.  Yet, when He's trying to get my attention, i just can't get off the path.

While i believe that God has made my path-oriented personality for a reason, i also know that He wants me to yield to His whispers so i'll know when the path changes.

The best thing i have to say about regrets is that God tends to give us the same test over and over until we pass it.  And His love covers.  It just does.  It covers.

I'm going to practice stopping in my tracks, so i can take better notice of His love letters.

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